Sometimes it is amazing thinking of where one started and where one ended up. Growing up and just reading the name Harvard was magical. An institution whose name on a paper gets even the most stoic people warm for a second. The journey to getting admission in Harvard has been simply remarkable for me.

There ain’t no reason things are this way.
Its how they always been and they intend to stay.
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.
Preachers on the podium speakin’ of saints in seance,
Prophets on the sidewalk beggin’ for change,
Old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name.
I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same,
A window and a pigeon with a broken wing,
You can spend your whole life workin’ for something
Just to have it taken away.
People walk around pushing back their debts,
Wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets,
Talking ‘bout nothing, not thinking ‘bout death,
Every little heartbeat, every little breath.
People walk a tight rope on a razors edge
Carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons.
It could be a bomb or a bullet or a pen
Or a thought or a word or a sentence.

There Ain't no reason things are this way.
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I don’t know why I say the things I say, but I say them anyway.
But love will come set me free
Love will come set me free,I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.

Prison walls still standing tall,
Some things never change at all.
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Keep on buildin’ prisons, gonna fill them all,
Keep on buildin’ bombs, gonna drop them all.
Working your fingers bear to the bone,
Breaking your back, make you sell your soul.
Like a lung that’s filled with coal, suffocatin’ slow.
The wind blows wild and I may move,
The politicians lie and I am not fooled.
You don't need no reason or a three piece suit to argue the truth.
The air on my skin and the world under my toes,
Slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes,
Chaos and commotion wherever I go, love I try to follow.

Love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.

There ain't no reason things are this way
It’s how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday

Pakistanis are intensely emotional and patriotic people. Ever since I can remember, the nation has rallied together whenever faced against difficulties - be it Nawaz Sharif's campaign to rid the country of its debt, be it the nuclear tests of  1998, be it the battle of Kargil, and perhaps the greatest unification was seen during the October 2005 earthquake tragedy.
So the Pakistan Government took it for granted on launching the Swat Operation, that the nation would help clean the mess created. However,the Prime Minister is suprised to see the lack of response this time around.

The nation is tired of lifting itself out of trouble due to the poor planning of the Government . We ended up being vunerable to a Western raid amid fears of insecurity over the A-bomb, we ended up in a greater debt mess through which we cannot even imagine to get out of, we ended up losing Kargil in disgrace and we still  don't have a clue regarding how to deal with natural disasters.  We ended up creating  the Taliban and then fighting them. We ended up teaching children that Jihad was the way to win heaven, only now to be told we were brainwashed. We ended up seeing the horrible horrible tragedy of innocent children dying at Lal Masjid. What was their fault?

Their fault that the Mullahs, that in the first place used to have patronage of the Government and the West, were now the bad guys. So thank you, our Government, for screwing with our heads and ideology. We no longer know who we are and we are angry at you for stealing our identity. And as for the Taliban, we are disgusted at how in the name of Islam and Jihad you ended us up in this bombing mania. We hate you for this mess we are in. We hate your double standards of using illegal drugs, raw weapons and minors for your so called campaign to spread the word of Islam.
So, hell no, we are not going to give to your Prime Minister's fund or the Taliban supporting parties fund, because you screwed us and we are left with no identity. We are a nation of nobodies with no direction, whatsoever. We, the Generation X, are angry because you keep changing what is right and wrong and we are stuck in the middle.

P.S Help the Swat victims directly. Do not divert your money to any organization or party, because they have lost our trust. Such ill planning of the internal displacement is a horror to watch. Help the kids who are as confused as we are, because they deserve the right to find out who they are one day.

1- My favourite hangout spot is Rayyans in F-8.
2- I can't study without the tv on.
3-  I love unplanned outings with friends.
4- My all time favourite band is LinkinPark and my all time favourite song is My December.
5- I can't imagine my life without Islamabad.
6- I dream of returning to Cairo standing over the Nile and looking back into my life.
7- I've never had to give any exam in my life twice Alhamdolillah.
8- I'm very very quiet in large gatherings. I'm comfortable in small groups.
9- I am proud of my sisters and my parents.
10- I want my mom back. Her illness has lost me my best friend.
11- I like sitcoms like Friends, How I Met Your Mother, House MD and Grey's Anatomy.
12- I can watch or read novels for hours but I need regular breaks when I study.
13- I love food especially junk food. My friends are tired of my never ending can we get something to eat habit.
14- I have a tiny bladder. Have had really really embarassing incidents.
15- I still can't tell my right from left shoe till I wear them. I DREAD BUYING SHOES.
16- I hate shopping.
17- My family calls me bhai even my dad.
18- My favourite nickname is aftu which Sana and Tooba coined up.
19- I am an awesome listener. Don't mean to brag about it:-p
20- I can be incredibly lazy.
21- Doctors is my all time favourite book and Into the Wild is all time favourite movie.
22- I am deeply spiritual and undoubtly believe in the existence of Allah. I believe Islam is the way of life but has been brought into disrepute by illogical clerics and mullahs.
23- I believe in morals but I leave the judging to Allah. I believe we all deserve a second chance.
24- My favourite number is 24.
25- I love sleeping.
26- I've already met the girl that is the love of life and had my heart broken, but I'll wait for her and take my chances nevertheless even if it means I have to end up getting hurt again because she is worth it,
27. I have always been better at expressing my feelings through writing than speaking.
28. My nani maa always gives me more money than my other cousins & siblings. Special me
29- I once ran away from home.
30- I love sports of all kinds.
31- I hate pets.
32- Faheem, my roommate, can read my mind and is one of the two people that knows me inside out,
33-  I am a bad actor, horrible singer and a horrendous dancer,
34- I need some alone time everyday.
35- I love nature.
36- I want to do something that will make a difference to the lives of people.
37- I am a rebel with a cause. I believe in speaking up against injustices. I believe in pointing out at flaws we want to turn our eyes from.
38- I dream of peace of mind and heart.  I dream of tolerance and brotherhood. I dream of humanity.
39- 1984 is one book I love, but I believe we should not be disheartened and I believe we should strive for Utopia,
40- I admire outgoing spontaneous people.
41- The best vacation I ever had was when we climbed Mount Moses in Sinai, Egypt,
42- The sweetest gift I got was a keychain of Masjid Aqsa from Mybrid, an Israeli blogger who I had mindopening debates with.
43- I love long hot showers in icy cold winters.
44- I once got to sit in the cockpit of an on flight PIA Boeing jet to Jeddah and got to talk with real life pilots. Of course that was before 9/11. An experience of a lifetime
45- I sit and brood over every deathslip I sign. I always believe there is a shot until the last breath and something more could have been done.
46- I've learnt that life and death are little understood and we doctors are as helpless, scared and confused as the rest of the mortals,
47- Nothing , NOTHING, beats the feeling of a thank you from a patient,
48- The sleep after a 30 hour shift is HEAVENLY
49- I get to save lives.
50- I'm proud to be a Doctor.

         I had my US Visa interview around 10 days ago and I have been bothered by it ever since. Agreed that the embassy is overburdened by the immense amount of applications and agreed we haven't done ourselves favours by blowing up our own country, but the US is not protraying a nice image abroad. Embassies are windows to their respective countries and what attracts people to America is the bill of rights. In America, you can be who you want, you can say what you want and you can dare to dream what you want without the fear of persecution.  The law gives you immense protection. You are innocent until proven guilty, not guilty until proven innocent like we are here in most parts of the world.

       So what was this prison like environment telling us about America? You come to Convention Center at 5:30 (ok USEFP helped us bypass this step and ok the embassy official were extra nice to us Fulbrighters), wait in a long line for a ticket to the shuttle bus service to take you in the Diplomatic Enclave(where no civilian can go directly), and then when your turn comes, if it ever comes, the shuttle takes you to the embassy. Here you wait again in lines to get in to the embassy. You then go through security, where they even make you take your belts off.So after like forever, you are asked to get your fingerprints done in a room where you stand in front of a glass window with a lady in a robot like manner asking you questions and a Pakistani outside helping you with the  fingerprint machine.

        Then you are asked to wait outside again until there are enough chairs in the interview room for you to go in. And this is where the horror really sets in. Twelve windows all around the room with the embassy officials/councellors behind it and a row of seats in the middle for you to wait till your turn comes up. On your turn you go up, pick up a phone and the official through a glass window (can I stress this enough?) asks you questions that will help them decide whether you are eligible for the VISA. You standing there 10 feet away from the person sitting with a barrier between both of you, what rapport does this set? You being treated like you are a convicted criminal, what does this do to you psychologically? And worse still, you giving out your personal and financial details in a room full of people waiting for their interviews staring at your fate, what fear does this invoke? Convicted of what?

             Wouldn't it be nicer if the interview was in a room in sitting position with some amount of privacy (maybe like in telephone booths instead). I am not asking that the embassy do away with security, but at least treat us with dignity. Not all Pakistanis are terroists and we should be given the respect Americans give human beings so we could say yes, America, stands for the ideals we want to strive for.

However, all that the interview did to me was give rise to questions. Why was I being treated like a convict? What did I do? I don't want bombings. I want to live in peace of mind and heart and I want to learn, come back and do something that would change the fate of my nation, Pakistan. I want to prove all us people in the world can live in harmony and show that the American culture is centered around the bill of rights, not the war on terror. 

Haven't been updating my blog as usual for which I'm sorry AGAIN. So whats up in my life.....

 

1- Done with ENT and now am working as a House Physician at the Department of Internal Medicine. My first month was a nightmare. My resident was like Dr.Bailey in Grey's Anatomy.  He kept me awake &  working and always demanded more. Didn't do interesting, because I was always running labs, checking vitals and writing histories. I was this close to quitting.

2- Got the Fulbright scholarship for a Masters In Epidemiology in the US, Alhamdolillah. One of the best moments in my life. How many people get to pursue a degree at universities of the caliber of Harvard, Yale and John Hopkins? Sometimes, you can't thank the Lord enough for all the Blessings and oppurtunities He has given you.

3- My mom is still not well. Apparently, the area of her brain affected by the hypertensive changes and partial epilepsy is the same area that controls behaviour according to her neurolgist. The odd thing is I don't see anything in her frontal area, and isn't that the area that controls behaviour? PLus I don't think it is epilepsy in the first place because, in her prolonged EEG test, there was only one doubtful spike, even though her symptoms kept recurring every few seconds on the table. The pyschiatrist agrees with the neurologist, but still something doesn't fit.

4- The person who I thought was my best friend is now no longer at a compatible wavelength. So I guess, have to let go of the past...........

 

I guess I have been away for a pretty long time. It's just hard blogging while being driven crazy working as an ENT House Surgeon. Lots has happened in the past 4 and a half months. Maybe soemday I'll write about it. But not now :p

We have a messenger list and a mobile phonebook full of" Friends". They give us a sense of security, warmth and trust. Yet, these are the very people who hurt and  make us bleed the most. Whenever we need someone to talk to, a shoulder to lean against and a soul to empathize, we get a " No contact Online." & "This number is powered off" or " I'll talk to you later". And no matter how much we deny it, in the end, the cliche " We Walk Alone" is bitterly true.

I'm a doctor, dammit, a doctor.  And I don't know how to treat my own unhappiness. An impaired human being is what I am. Now I understand we really don't know anything about curing the sick, us Doctors.

And for the record, these are the darkest days of my life. My mom's sick and she isn't getting any better. It's a constant strain on our family life. And I don't know if I can talk to my best friend, because it feels like the chemistry is waning. And I have so many deadlines approaching. I don't know how to cope without someone just pushing me through. Everything is upside down.  And all everyone can offer is words. I don't need words. I need someone to tell me that I'm not worthless. Because that is what it feels like now.

" He seldom talked, and when he did it was usually to make some cynical remark--for instance , he'd say God had given him a tail to keep the flies off, but that he would sooner have had no tail and no flies."

" Now comrades what is the nature of this life of ours? Let us face it : Our lives are miserable, laborious, and short. We are born, we are given just so much food as will keep the breathe in our bodies, and those of us who are capable of it are forced to work to the last atom of our strength......."


" Life would go on as it had always gone on-that is badly"

"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others"


" Twelve voices were shouting in anger, and they were all alike. No question, now, what had happened to the face of the pigs. The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pog to man again, but already it was impossible to say which was which."

I hurt and I have all the time in the world. And it won't go away. 

I want to blog....I swear. I want to write......Qasm say.

But sometimes life is so messed up, that putting your feelings to paper is just too painful. Today I've lost, because I've given up the ability to confront my feelings. Happy days those, when I was able to rant and rave about everything that bothered me. Be it exams, be it love, be it politics, be it hell... NOTHING.

However, today my soul has died. I'm no longer Aftab. I've just become another dead man walking. And I thought i'd never come to this stage. But yeah, I've lost......Today.  And as someone put it a bit too bluntely,

" You Have no Scope."



And Erich Segal says it best in " THE CLASS".....


Andrew, when you write about me in that diary of yours - never say that I'm a lucky man."

- George Keller

So haven't updated this blog for a while. It's been a hectic year. Managed to get a few researches done and even somehow wrote my GRE with all the crap going on around me. Had our ward batch farewell a few days ago which turned out pretty nice. Amjad and Ali brought cake and pizza, and every batchmate lit one candle on it.....


I guess the best part was sitting in a circle and giving our farewell messages. And before I could give mine, Hajra popped in a few words of praise, quite sweet of her, but being praised publicly makes me very EMBARASSED. Khair, here is what I had to say for my farewell message.


" Goodbyes are always hard. Zindigi albata chalte rehtee hai, lekan yaadian reh jate hain. I'm glad that all of you were part of my memories. It's been a pleasure knowing you all. I wish you the best this life has to offer. There's this song of Greenday, Rashid played it on the class function, which goes...

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right,
I hope you had the time of your life.

Sure do......"


I liked Fatima's farewell the best......It went something like this....

" April 2003, I sat sitting gazing outside the window of my hostel. And I saw the sun setting, and I thought this is the worst day of my life. I will never remember this place when I get out of here. A few days ago, by chance I saw the sun setting again outside the window. And I had tears in my eyes. I was so WRONG. I'm gong to miss this life a lot. "


And Ayesha Qureshi's message was sort of fun.....


" Tum larkoon kay samnay say hee first year may guzrtay dar lagta tha, and ab tum loogon kay saath itnay 2 saal itnay achay guzray batch may."


Faheem........


" Faheem ban kar message doon ya FNA(an sms service Faheem provides, Faheem News Agency, where he maintains a list of contacts around the class and gives them breaking news regarding everything in life from class announcements to politics). Meray tu yeh paanch saal bhoot achay guzray hain har lahaaz say, they have been the best years of my life.........But one message I want to give before everyone moves out is that jitna marzi baray doctor ban jao, apnay maan baap ko na bhoolna...may nay dekha hai, kay doctors apnay parents kay saath bhoot badtameezi kartay hain...aap loog professors bano, principal tak bano, lekan apnay parents ka khayyal rakhna."



And by the end of the farewell, none of us could muster courage to go home directly, because we were so overcome with emotions. So the boys of our batch got together and went to Rawal Lake, where we reflected on our five years................


P.S:- Special thanks to Amjad and Ali for arranging one of the most memorable days of our RMC life....
       

A protest doesn't have to be violent. It doesn't have to involve the burning of tires, torching of effigies, and destruction of property. Nevertheless, a voice has to be raised and registered.
A message of demanding stability and peace in the country....
A message of solving conflicts with dialogues...
A message of balance of power....
A message of having everyone follow and held accountable to the same laws.....
Why should a GENERALl be exempted from certain provisions,while poor people be held accountable to the insane of laws??

How many more lives for the sake of one dictator? How many more lives for the sake of power? How many more lives for the "Fight against Terroism"? And how many more lives in the "Name of Islam"??

Be a Rebel with a Cause.....Play your part in bringing about peace.....Ask yourself what you can do to make this world a better place to live.....

Five years of of memories flashed the screen thursday as the class got together for its farewell and watched the movie by Rashid. And in the end, we realized we actually had lots of fun...............

Those fights, those attacks of hysteria, those spells of depression, and those bouts of rage were always meant to be. They only made the laughter,the achievemnets, and the happy moments more special.

One final hurdle remains to be crossed before we enter the next phase of life. Hope Allah makes it easy for all of us.....Ameen.

"One finr day, all of us''ll get busy with our lives, long working hours, no more classes,lectures, friends and sms, some'll get married, won't have time for ourselves, at such a day you'll look outside your window and see the good old memories flash you by and you'll get a smile with a tear in your eyes and you'll turn  back to your work thinking I wish I could go back. "

 

 From Saiful Maluk by Mian Muhammad Bakh:-

" Is Duniya wich kam na aye okhay sokhay wailay

  Oss Bay-faizee sangee koloon behtar yar Akailay"

 

" Everyone's going to hurt you sooner or later, you just have to decide who's worth going through the pain."

 

Ab ke yoon dil ko saza di hum ne,

Us kee har aik baat bhula dee hum nay,

Ek Ek phool bhoot yaad aya,

Shakh-e guljab woh jala dee hum nay,

Aaj phir yaad bohat aaya woh,

Aaj phir us ko dua de hum nay,

Koi to baat hai us mein Faraz,

Her khushi jis pe luta dee hum nay.  

I am so sad.....and I have noone to talk to about it......................and it sucks....

I'm sorry, I haven't been updating my blog. It's not like I don't have anything to write about, or that I'm suffering from a writer's block. It's more like, I don't have the physical and mental energy to blog.

Have you guys ever felt like that? You have so much to share, and you have so much commotion going on inside, but you are just too tired to go through the motions of writing or even talking? It is times like these I wish there was a way around---telepathy maybe?

Imagine, the other person knowing what you are thinking, without you talking or writing. That would be the end of blogging,though, wouldn't it??

 

Telepathy would be password-proctected , of course Imagine otherwise, People reading one anothers worst thoughts. So, tell me your dreams

Happy Independence Day to all Pakistanis. 60 years in the life of a nation is a small period. InshaAllah, we'll live to see better days as a nation specifically and more importantly as Muslims generally.