I guess I have beena way for a pretty long time. It's just hard blogging while being driven crazy working as an ENT House Surgeon. Lots has been happened in the past 4 and a half months. Maybe soemday I'll write about it. But not now :p

We have a messenger list and a mobile phonebook full of" Friends". They give us a sense of security, warmth and trust. Yet, these are the very people who hurt and  make us bleed the most. Whenever we need someone to talk to, a shoulder to lean against and a soul to empathize, we get a " No contact Online." & "This number is powered off" or " I'll talk to you later". And no matter how much we deny it, in the end, the cliche " We Walk Alone" is bitterly true.

I'm a doctor, dammit, a doctor.  And I don't know how to treat my own unhappiness. An impaired human being is what I am. Now I understand we really don't know anything about curing the sick, us Doctors.

And for the record, these are the darkest days of my life. My mom's sick and she isn't getting any better. It's a constant strain on our family life. And I don't know if I can talk to my best friend, because it feels like the chemistry is waning. And I have so many deadlines approaching. I don't know how to cope without someone just pushing me through. Everything is upside down.  And all everyone can offer is words. I don't need words. I need someone to tell me that I'm not worthless. Because that is what it feels like now.

" He seldom talked, and when he did it was usually to make some cynical remark--for instance , he'd say God had given him a tail to keep the flies off, but that he would sooner have had no tail and no flies."

" Now comrades what is the nature of this life of ours? Let us face it : Our lives are miserable, laborious, and short. We are born, we are given just so much food as will keep the breathe in our bodies, and those of us who are capable of it are forced to work to the last atom of our strength......."


" Life would go on as it had always gone on-that is badly"

"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others"


" Twelve voices were shouting in anger, and they were all alike. No question, now, what had happened to the face of the pigs. The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pog to man again, but already it was impossible to say which was which."

I hurt and I have all the time in the world. And it won't go away. 

I want to blog....I swear. I want to write......Qasm say.

But sometimes life is so messed up, that putting your feelings to paper is just too painful. Today I've lost, because I've given up the ability to confront my feelings. Happy days those, when I was able to rant and rave about everything that bothered me. Be it exams, be it love, be it politics, be it hell... NOTHING.

However, today my soul has died. I'm no longer Aftab. I've just become another dead man walking. And I thought i'd never come to this stage. But yeah, I've lost......Today.  And as someone put it a bit too bluntely,

" You Have no Scope."



And Erich Segal says it best in " THE CLASS".....


Andrew, when you write about me in that diary of yours - never say that I'm a lucky man."

- George Keller

So haven't updated this blog for a while. It's been a hectic year. Managed to get a few researches done and even somehow wrote my GRE with all the crap going on around me. Had our ward batch farewell a few days ago which turned out pretty nice. Amjad and Ali brought cake and pizza, and every batchmate lit one candle on it.....


I guess the best part was sitting in a circle and giving our farewell messages. And before I could give mine, Hajra popped in a few words of praise, quite sweet of her, but being praised publicly makes me very EMBARASSED. Khair, here is what I had to say for my farewell message.


" Goodbyes are always hard. Zindigi albata chalte rehtee hai, lekan yaadian reh jate hain. I'm glad that all of you were part of my memories. It's been a pleasure knowing you all. I wish you the best this life has to offer. There's this song of Greenday, Rashid played it on the class function, which goes...

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right,
I hope you had the time of your life.

Sure do......"


I liked Fatima's farewell the best......It went something like this....

" April 2003, I sat sitting gazing outside the window of my hostel. And I saw the sun setting, and I thought this is the worst day of my life. I will never remember this place when I get out of here. A few days ago, by chance I saw the sun setting again outside the window. And I had tears in my eyes. I was so WRONG. I'm gong to miss this life a lot. "


And Ayesha Qureshi's message was sort of fun.....


" Tum larkoon kay samnay say hee first year may guzrtay dar lagta tha, and ab tum loogon kay saath itnay 2 saal itnay achay guzray batch may."


Faheem........


" Faheem ban kar message doon ya FNA(an sms service Faheem provides, Faheem News Agency, where he maintains a list of contacts around the class and gives them breaking news regarding everything in life from class announcements to politics). Meray tu yeh paanch saal bhoot achay guzray hain har lahaaz say, they have been the best years of my life.........But one message I want to give before everyone moves out is that jitna marzi baray doctor ban jao, apnay maan baap ko na bhoolna...may nay dekha hai, kay doctors apnay parents kay saath bhoot badtameezi kartay hain...aap loog professors bano, principal tak bano, lekan apnay parents ka khayyal rakhna."



And by the end of the farewell, none of us could muster courage to go home directly, because we were so overcome with emotions. So the boys of our batch got together and went to Rawal Lake, where we reflected on our five years................


P.S:- Special thanks to Amjad and Ali for arranging one of the most memorable days of our RMC life....
       

A protest doesn't have to be violent. It doesn't have to involve the burning of tires, torching of effigies, and destruction of property. Nevertheless, a voice has to be raised and registered.
A message of demanding stability and peace in the country....
A message of solving conflicts with dialogues...
A message of balance of power....
A message of having everyone follow and held accountable to the same laws.....
Why should a GENERALl be exempted from certain provisions,while poor people be held accountable to the insane of laws??

How many more lives for the sake of one dictator? How many more lives for the sake of power? How many more lives for the "Fight against Terroism"? And how many more lives in the "Name of Islam"??

Be a Rebel with a Cause.....Play your part in bringing about peace.....Ask yourself what you can do to make this world a better place to live.....

Five years of of memories flashed the screen thursday as the class got together for its farewell and watched the movie by Rashid. And in the end, we realized we actually had lots of fun...............

Those fights, those attacks of hysteria, those spells of depression, and those bouts of rage were always meant to be. They only made the laughter,the achievemnets, and the happy moments more special.

One final hurdle remains to be crossed before we enter the next phase of life. Hope Allah makes it easy for all of us.....Ameen.

"One finr day, all of us''ll get busy with our lives, long working hours, no more classes,lectures, friends and sms, some'll get married, won't have time for ourselves, at such a day you'll look outside your window and see the good old memories flash you by and you'll get a smile with a tear in your eyes and you'll turn  back to your work thinking I wish I could go back. "

 

 From Saiful Maluk by Mian Muhammad Bakh:-

" Is Duniya wich kam na aye okhay sokhay wailay

  Oss Bay-faizee sangee koloon behtar yar Akailay"

 

" Everyone's going to hurt you sooner or later, you just have to decide who's worth going through the pain."

 

Ab ke yoon dil ko saza di hum ne,

Us kee har aik baat bhula dee hum nay,

Ek Ek phool bhoot yaad aya,

Shakh-e guljab woh jala dee hum nay,

Aaj phir yaad bohat aaya woh,

Aaj phir us ko dua de hum nay,

Koi to baat hai us mein Faraz,

Her khushi jis pe luta dee hum nay.